I dount seriously that anyone reads this thing any more, but just for the sake of needing to clear my head a little I'll post my current thoughts....

I'm thinking that I need to get away from my family,  like far away.  At least for a while,  my childhood was full of turmoil and brokeness. I didn't know anything about stability until I was in my late teens... the first memory I have is of my mother leaning over me with a bloody face and a man standing at the end of my bed pointing a gun at me.  He had hit her with the plates I'd ate fish-sticks on earlier that night.  This when I was maybe 2 or 3  my life has been full of fights and pain,  and moving from one boyfriend's house to the next until all of them were blurred together in nights of fighting and drugs and drunkeness and days of dirty clothes and hang overs... I have a obsessive habit, well almost obsessive, I'm getting over it of taking my families drama onto myself and wanting to fix it.   When maybe there isn't anything wrong with that I'm starting to think that there is a better way, and one that doesn't involve as much of me as sometimes I'd like, my family needs Christ but I'm not the only Christian in the world...  the need him desperately but it is possible to find him even if I'm not the one who leads them in prayer.... maybe I just need to "let go and let God" I'm not sure... what happens in my family affects me on levels that I can't really explain and maybe I need to let go of them, and not try to fix their lives before I can heal and have a life of my own,  would moving out of dayton help that along?  My intention has been to move into the inner city of Dayton, but I know that I would just draw them closer around me if I did that,  If I moved to cincinnati or even indianapolis I would still be close enough to be close but far enough away to have some real distance............................... would that help me at all or am I just feeling the pressure of a dysfunctional family?  My family is BEYOND dysfunction.....  last night my grandpa went to jail for hitting my mom in the face with a phone and punching my little sister in the face, there was a all out brawl and it ended by my sister hitting him in the face with a iron skillet.....  things like this don't happen everyday in my family, but it happens more than you'd think.   What should I do?  I love them but I feel to burdened being so close, how do i handle this and keep my emotional stability and mental health? What do I say when I'm expected to get involved?          I already know that if i move into the inner city dayton area it will cause tension because i'll say no when my mom or sister ask to live with me, which they will. I'll say no to my mom because she'll want to bring her drugs into the house and to my sister because she'll bring her son and whatever boyfriend she has at the time, and it'll cease to be my house but it'll be theirs and I'll freak out again.  I know this will happen because I've been through it more than once.     I need to move away.     Not too far, cincinnati will do it, maybe even just as far as middletown,  or west chester....   close enough for a day trip, far enough away for it to only be once a month.   

This will happen. 

So the fun continues...

After praying and praying about it, I've decided to pursue a career in Social Science and Anthropology... Eventually (hopefully) leading into a career that makes a huge difference in helping to rebuild war- torn and poverty stricken countries such as Sudan and at least a 100 others around the world... I believe that this is something the Lord would bless and is something that He's put in front of me to honor and glorify Him in... I'm blessed by the decision...  I'm starting school in June to take a few prerequisite classes and for the next 2-10 years I'll be working on my degree and hopefully getting a internship with either Voice of the Martyrs or World Vision.... dreams. 

My Nephew is currently in Kentucky with my mother... so I'm rather bored.  I'm going to a super fantastic booksale this weekend, and stocking my bookshelves with more books, I need more bookshelves.  Today is a nice day so I and my dear friend Liz are going for a walk in Charleston falls to get ready for a 5k run, hopefully we don't meet any badgers on the trails, there have been rumors of badgers living in the reserve ferocious little creatures... they'll eat your face... I should bring some mace (am I rhyming? ) that could be a rap song... put a "phat" beat and some girls in booty-shorts in a video and wear a obnoxious amount of "bling"... I could be a millionaire.  I'd rather have a doctorate of social science, the rap video will have to wait until my first dream is realized, and then the world of hip-hop is mine for the taking.

I'm going to go get a Dr. Pepper  

Once again it's been a long time... but I've left myspace officially due to a increasing sensitivity toward my visual surroundings, the website kept diredting me to sites that I had no intention or desire of seeing.... anyway.  I'm back too xanga until I find a blogging home that fulfills all of my typing desires. I'm positive that no one reads this anymore so I'd like to take this opportunity to be obnoxious... "nvkldsahg owahn towra htp[whyoieoiytwj gpwajhreajhptoajhrpoj hehypiomb iwramuyubynoquteujptuyoiuyobq-865-2 690jgpojhipjhiobautj0jt"   ...yeah that's right, I said it.

I went for a picnic today, and sat by the river surrounded by trees and watched geese consider whether or not my food was worth chasing me for... fortunately for me it wasn't so they swam away and after a while of reading about David   I took a walk to find drift-wood, found none but I did meet a cute little snake on my way downstream ...Fed some horses, went ot the grocery store with grandpa, bought mangos and listened to running water long enough to have to use the port-a-potty I had hand sanitizer anbd baby-wipes however so it wasn't a big issue.  Today has been a nice day.